Ah! The topic that I've been wanting to talk about for the longest time. It's also a topic that really intrigues most of the people I've met so far. I've been in a relationship with Fai for about 3 years now and like every other couple, we love, laugh, fight and challenge each other every day. But sometimes, things are little different for us because of our different race and religion. In this post, I am going to address some of the issues or problems we've faced being in an interracial relationship. I've been asked tons of questions about this before and in all honesty, it's getting a little annoying so I figured I'll point them all out and answer them once and for all in this post.
First of all, I am Chinese. My mother is Peranakan which is probably the reason why I look some what mix. Some people think I am Malay while others think I am from some other parts of South East Asia like Thailand or something. Nobody who meets me for the first time can ever guess my ethnicity right. I can't speak Mandarin fluently even though that is my mother tongue because I simply don't have anyone to converse in Mandarin with me at home. My mother took Malay as her mother tongue language so she would often speak to my brother and I in English with a little bit of Malay. She speaks in Baba Malay to her siblings which resulted in me understanding Malay as well. Basically, I converse in English but I understand Mandarin and Malay though I can't speak them well.
In terms of religion, I am Catholic and I celebrate Christmas, Easter, Good Friday etc. I also celebrate Chinese New Year because I am Chinese after all. But I have relatives from all sorts of races and religions, so I've celebrated Hari Raya before, I've even accompanied my uncles to Chinese temples during the Hungry Ghost Month to show respect to my late grandparents - they were Taoist. It's very complicated and it's something I've never really thought about until now.
Fai is Boyanese like his father. His mom is Javanese and he is Muslim. His family is very english oriented so there's hardly any chance for him to speak in his native language. He isn't a practising Muslim though his parents are quite strict. Due to personal preference, he chooses not to celebrate Hari Raya though he makes a point to visit his mother every year on this special day. Hence, he doesn't celebrate any specific occasion. But being in a relationship with me forces him to celebrate Christmas and Chinese New Year as well. hehehe. But that's a good thing, it means he gets presents and Ang Baos too!
I love my relationship and it being an interracial one makes it even more interesting. I've always been fascinated when it comes to learning about something new and I am always more than willing to learn about other cultures and beliefs. I think the diversity in which an interracial relationship creates is something really precious. It forces you to open up to accept and respect each other's differences and uniqueness. But where there is good, there is also bad. Here are some of the things one should be prepared for if one is thinking of getting himself/herself into an interracial relationship.
The first challenge you and your partner would face is achieving acceptance from both your families. Fai and I were lucky to have really understanding parents. Both our families have accepted our relationship and wished us well.
But this isn't the case for most people, or at least those of you who've written in to me. It is definitely tough staying in a relationship with someone who comes from a different racial or religious background as you. My best advice is to always remember and remind yourself that you're in a relationship with your partner and not his/her family. So just because their family isn't very accepting of you or likewise, your family isn't accepting of your partner, it doesn't mean there should be a discontinuity of the relationship. I think that as long as you and your partner are willing to work towards a happy ending, then all is good.
My family loves Fai as you can see from my brother's instagram. haha. But honestly, we had quite a rough start. It wasn't easy getting acceptance from my mom initially because she knew the troubles an interracial relationship would bring. As mentioned earlier, a couple of her siblings were in these sort of relationships before. So naturally, she wouldn't want me experience what they went through. But Fai showed her how serious, patient and understanding he was and still is which earned her trust over time. These sort of things takes time so as long we you're willing to wait then it'll be worth it :)
His family, though religious, is pretty open to how society is these days. So they had no problem accepting me either. Besides, Fai has dated girls from other races before thus they're pretty used to it.
Singapore such a tiny country and with social media taking over almost everything, everyone is somewhat connected to each other, hence our tiny country is getting even tinier. This means that all of our views are somewhat similar hence we don't really get much criticisms from the public. We are lucky to live in a country with quite forward thinking mindsets. The only sort of criticisms Fai and I face mostly come from the older generations, those that are a little more traditional. I mean they don't say anything rude or mean to us, but we can always feel it when someone cringes at the sight of us. The way we handle it is to simply ignore. Why let a complete stranger affect your happiness?
However, whenever Fai and I travel to Malaysia, we'd always make sure not to hold hands or hug in public. It is after all a Muslim country and since Fai is Muslim (whether he practises it or not), it's better to show respect and follow their law while we're there. Even when we're in Singapore and let's say we're queuing up for Nasi Pandang or something, we'd make sure not to display affection as well as not everyone is open to ideas of an interracial relationship. Even when we walk pass a Malay family with kids especially, we would walk apart from each other. It's sad but it's something we've gotten used to overtime.
Just because Fai is Muslim, members of the public tend to think that I am Muslim as well. Maybe I look Malay or something but I've notice that whenever I'm ordering food with Fai, the stall vendor would ask me if I am able to consume pork. At first, I found it amusing but as time goes by, it gets quite annoying. Like dude, I'm Chinese. Irritated by their question, I would answer "Wo Shi Hua Ren!". I know they mean well but this is something I face so often and not everyone can understand unless you're in the same boat as me.
"So are you planning to convert?" I've been asked this particular question time and time again. But no, I do not plan to convert to Muslim at all. Fai and I love each other for who we are. And I will never be who I am without my faith in the Catholic church. Like I mentioned twice already so far, Fai isn't a practising Muslim, hence there is no need for me to convert at all. At the moment, I am not learning anything about his religion because he doesn't know much either. Why convert just for the sake of a marriage? Why do it just to gain acceptance from the public or his distant relatives? I think a marriage goes way beyond religion and I am certain that he sees it the way I do too.
He has spoken to his parents about this and I'm so thankful that they are perfectly fine with it. Quoting what Fai said "I feel that religion cannot determine who you love. How can you be forced to love or marry someone just because he or she is the same religion as you? Isn't a relationship about love? No love, how to last? Also will divorce?!" hahaha. He mentioned that his parents respect his views and understand where he's coming from because they are divorced themselves.
So the next question to ask is then, "How are we going to celebrate our wedding?" should there be one in future? I really have no idea!! I would love to wear a white gown and walk down the aisle of a church but I don't know if that's alright with Fai and his family. I know for sure my dad would love a Chinese wedding, one that is set in a ballroom where everyone Yum Sengs but then again, how would Fai and his family feel? To Fai, a ceremony isn't important but every girl wants THAT big day to happen right? Myself included. I really don't know what's gonna happen but we have a long way to go so let's not think about it now shall we?
Fai is an extremely down to earth, good natured person who laughs and jokes at anything. I wouldn't say he takes criticism well, but at least when someone creates a joke about him, he's super awesome at coming back with a rebuttal. Almost too awesome some times that leaves his victim ashamed or thoroughly affected.
We're both used to poking fun at each other but when we start poking fun at each other's race or religion, that's when it can become quite offensive. Being in an interracial relationship means that you have to be prepared to be aware of what you say to each other some times. At times, I find myself saying some things that may come across as a normal joke, but to him, it may be a racist attack vice versa.
I am just thankful that Fai isn't particular about where we dine at. Don't get me wrong, it is not an issue if he can only consume Halal food (I don't even like pork anyway) , but I am just saying that since he doesn't have any special requirements, going out on dates are much easier.
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Ultimately, at the end of the day, we're all just human beings. Strip away our race, religion, language, culture, skin colour, hair texture and we're all the same. Whether you're in an interracial relationship or not, as long as the foundation of your relationship is right and strong, than nothing and no one can bring you and your partner down. Have an awesome week ahead everyone!
#MakeLoveNotWar
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OH YES!
Speaking of relationships, check out Live Great TV's latest video: Love Confessions.
PS, the girl I hate? You know who you are. hahahaha
